Many people are consumed with the World Cup developments. Many more are focused on the upcoming festivities for America’s 250th. But not here in the Sunshine State. Our breed of denizens is very much occupied with other, more pressing matters. 

Engaging in commerce, transporting commodities, and, of course, driving off course on our perpetually widening roadways are the things consuming our natives. You folks are busying yourselves with trivialities, but we here in the nation’s phallus have far more pressing concerns to fill our days, and to find ways to meet our always proud LEOs.

FLORIDA SALESMAN

Ain’t it just like The Man to step and crush your side hustle?! Hunter Drake Lovett was making some extra money selling signs with the classic Smokey Bear imagery on them for eager collectors or just fans of the iconic ursine. Small issue with Lovett’s artwork: These were not original, hand-crafted Smokey stand-ups.

Turns out Lovett had a habit of touring the state parks of Florida and absconding with the fire warning insignia. The Agriculture Commissioner and the DOJ teamed up to arrest Lovett, because he was clever enough to sell his wares on Facebook Marketplace.

It was a nice touch to have Smokey on site when they cuffed and stuffed the art thief.

FLORIDA WEND

Sure, yet another police chase (shrug). So, Louis Anthony Robles was spotted weaving on a roadway, due to drinking (natch), and this led to a police chase (whatever), with a police helicopter lending overhead assistance (yawn). Why should we care? This is commonplace.

https://x.com/WiltonSimpson/status/1950622239218356300

Oh…it was a low-speed chase involving an RV and rendered even slower after the cops employed a spike strip. So there is Robles, cutting through a residential neighborhood and throwing sparks along the way, while clipping other vehicles in the process. Okay, now we have some proper variables for this entry.

FLORIDA CONTRABAND

You need to appreciate Florida law officials when they approach events involving our brand of scofflaws with the appropriate level of derision and humor. After 30-year-old Reagan Cox was pulled over, she was disagreeable with the police to the extent that it led to her arrest. It was during the booking process that she managed to get herself into more legal trouble. A scanner detected an issue in Cox’s “lower region,” and in a privacy room, it was discovered she had been trying to smuggle in nearly four grams of cocaine, initially concealing her shipment in what the police described as her “Jail Purse,” that is, between her butt cheeks.

In response, Cox was not entirely creative with her explanation, describing that the coke was not hers, but had been surreptitiously placed betwixt her hemispheres by a lover, without her knowledge.

FLORIDA MEND

Eighty-four-year-old Edward Bowlds is in a bad way. He has a torn rotator cuff and other impairments. He incurred injuries and damages, including suffering serious bodily injuries and resulting pain recently when going out for a meal. He also took on physical impairment, disfigurement, mental anguish and humiliation, loss of capacity for the enjoyment of life, while enduring hospital and medical treatment costs. Additionally, his wife sustained medical expenses and loss of comfort, companionship, and more as a result of her husband’s alleged injuries. 

This is all described in the legal claim against Waffle House, stating the eatery is responsible because their sign in a window for strawberry shortcake waffles distracted him, causing him to trip over the curb.

“There is no need for the advertisements to be displayed in such a manner as it unreasonably increases the risk of a trip and fall by a customer already going to enter the restaurant,” the lawsuit said. 

FLORIDA RECLAIM

Police in Nassau County came upon the scene of a crash involving a pickup truck. A witness said the man had apparently hit a tree, and the truck was partially in a ditch. The driver, however, had gotten out and walked from the scene. 

Ah-ha! The perfect avoidance of a legal scrap by getting away in a timely fashion!

That is, until the driver returned to the scene with a tractor, attempting to pull the truck from the ditch, bring the tractor back home, then come back and drive the damaged truck home. The man’s inebriation was evident, as was the 15-pack of beer on the floor of the truck, with many of the containers apparently emptied of their contents.

FLORIDA MANHUNT

Now, THIS is how you get a one-star rating!

Emmanuel Ayala showed some quick thinking, but he failed to notify a driver ahead of time. After rear-ending another vehicle, Emmanuel went the hit-and-run route, but was eventually pulled over. Then he just ran. After fleeing the police, he ditched his car, pulled the license plate, and darted into a forest. 

As the police caught up they called in the K9 unit to flush out Ayala, but the dogs were not needed. Police were tipped off by an Uber driver who informed them he was supposed to be picking up someone on the edge of a treeline, where the proposed fare was taken into custody.

Editor’s Note: It’s America’s 250th birthday! Help RedState celebrate the greatest nation in history by honoring its past, defending its present, and preserving its future with reporting you can trust. 

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