This week’s Dear Abby column takes on three unrelated dilemmas from readers in Arizona, Texas and elsewhere, each wrestling with the unwritten rules of social obligation.
A letter writer identified as Not Insensitive in Arizona asked for guidance after a friend’s wife lost her biological father, who died recently in a one-car accident. The woman had been estranged from her father for more than three decades and had openly expressed hatred toward him over the years, while remaining close to her late stepfather. When the writer failed to send condolences after the father’s death — despite having reached out after the stepfather’s passing — the friend grew upset.
“What is the rule of etiquette when a person loses a family member they hated? What would I even say? ‘Sorry for your loss’? It just seems that any sentiment would be fake,” the writer asked.
Dear Abby sided with the writer, advising a two-step response: first, explain to the friend that there was no intention to slight his wife, given her long-stated dislike of her father; second, call the wife separately to apologize if the silence caused hurt, while making clear that wasn’t the intent.
Reading workplace signals
A second letter came from a 72-year-old woman, Puzzled at Work, describing a younger male coworker — about two decades her junior — who has spent three to four years making faces, winking, standing close and following her around the office. The two have offered to buy each other drinks. The writer, who lost her boyfriend to heart problems a decade ago, wondered what was behind the behavior.
Dear Abby pointed out that everything described signals interest rather than mixed messages, suggesting the coworker may simply be flirtatious or socially awkward. The advice: follow through on the drink offer without overanalyzing it, since there’s little to lose and possibly a good friendship to gain.
What to call a longtime partner
A reader from Texas, signing as Term of Endearment, wrote about her daughter’s longtime live-in boyfriend, a man the family considers an essential part of their lives after he and the daughter supported each other through serious illness, the loss of parents and job layoffs. Because the couple isn’t married, the parents struggle with how to introduce him in social settings.
Dear Abby’s answer: ask the man directly how he’d like to be introduced, and follow his lead.
The column is written by Abigail Van Buren, a pen name used for nearly four decades by Jeanne Phillips, who inherited the feature from her mother, Pauline Phillips, who founded it in 1956. Letters can be sent to Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, Missouri 64127.
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