A Los Angeles Therapist’s Five Warning Signs for Marriages Quietly Losing Steam

A therapist based in Los Angeles says many long-term couples are undermining their own marriages through small, everyday habits they don’t even notice.

Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., a board-certified sexologist, sex therapist and integrative relationship therapist, told Fox News Digital that lasting satisfaction in a marriage depends on more than compatibility or chemistry. Recent research published in the journal Family Process found that improvements in communication and emotional safety were linked to greater relationship satisfaction. Nelson said couples often stop doing the work once routine sets in.

“Compatibility can feel different to different people at different times,” Nelson said. “The relationship will go through developmental stages just like you do.”

She outlined five common mistakes couples make without realizing it.

1. Losing curiosity about each other

Nelson said couples often stop asking questions about who their partner is becoming once they feel they already know everything about them.

“That’s how we fall in love, when someone’s curious about us,” she said. “We’re attracted to something in the space in between us — not so much when it’s sitting next to us on the couch every night, and so we tend to lose that curiosity.”

She warned that preferences — in food, entertainment, even intimacy — change over time, and partners who stop noticing can become vulnerable to outside attention. “That’s why we have affairs, right? Somebody comes along and they’re fascinated by us,” she said. “We love that. And it’s why we pay a therapist, so someone will ask questions about us.”

2. Avoiding hard conversations

Nelson said couples should pay close attention to the subjects they routinely steer away from.

“It’s not the people who fight and communicate all the time — it’s the people who aren’t fighting, aren’t arguing, aren’t communicating,” she said.

Topics like money or sex often get avoided because they risk conflict, she said, but that avoidance can quietly damage a relationship more than open disagreement.

3. Focusing on complaints instead of what’s working

When couples do talk about sex, Nelson said dwelling on what isn’t working tends to backfire.

“The key to the universe is, you get more of what you would appreciate,” she said. “If you point out how your partner is not acting the way you want, then you’re in conflict, you’re defensive, you feel bad about yourself. That’s not going to help, it’s not very sexy.”

Her advice: start by naming something that’s already working, then build from there.

4. Staying stuck in “maintenance mode”

Nelson said couples need a balance between “maintenance mode” — paying bills, running a household — and “expansion mode,” which involves trying new things together.

“We need maintenance in a relationship, just like you need maintenance at a job or just in life, but you also need expansion,” she said. Too much of either, she warned, leaves couples either bored or exhausted. “All relationships need freedom and connection.”

5. Not expressing affection that’s already there

Nelson said many partners feel warmth toward each other but never say so out loud.

“Where in your heart or in your body are you feeling the most ‘juice,’ the most ‘aliveness,’ when you think about your partner?” she said, adding that even a simple statement can matter. “You can put your hand on your heart or on your stomach or your shoulders and say, ‘you know, when I think about you, I get this warm feeling in my heart’ — that’s all you have to share with your partner. And sometimes that means everything to them.”

Nelson said avoiding these pitfalls isn’t about grand gestures but about sustained attention and curiosity over the life of the marriage.